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"The most effective way to speak to a kid is to use simple words and sentences that allow you to accept their feelings but follow through on your rules," says Wendy Mogel, Ph.D., author of The Blessing of a Skinned Knee. And don't undermine yourself either. Dr. Mogel cautions against adding qualifiers such as "okay?" at the end of your request. If you give a child the opportunity to say no, they may use their veto power whenever they can—and it will seem as though you're not fully committed to what you're saying. My pediatrician has said the same thing actually.
1. "I Need To Think About That."
It gives you authority, buys you time, and also introduces the idea that people think about things and weigh the pros and cons before coming up with a response.
2. "How Does That Make You Feel?"
"Even though it's a bit passive-aggressive (kids know when you're trying to get them to say what you want to hear), what's nice about this response is that it gives you a break from jumping up and down with praise and encourages your child to get in touch with what they find satisfying, rather than thinking only about the end result," says Dr. Mogel.
3. "Wow."
Use this when your kid presents you with a problem or if they've done something they know will get them in trouble. It lets them know that you're acknowledging what just happened, but you're not committing to a response right away. This will give you a moment to put the situation in perspective and figure out how you want to handle it.
4. "Let's See If We Can Find Something Good In This."
The secret to helping your child manage disappointment is to not rush in and rescue them from feeling bad. Instead, you want to help them flex their coping skills by letting them be upset.
5. "Listen To Your Body."
When your child says, "I have a stomachache," don't rush to share your own conclusion. Instead, help them go through a scan of likely causes. Eventually, they learn to pay attention to their body, they may be able to recognize that the butterflies in their tummy are different from hunger pains. Or that they can't fall asleep because their mind is racing.
6. "Take a Breath."
Saying this puts an end to the urgency that so many kids feel during those transitional moments between activities, and it reminds you to take a breath too.
7. "Would You Like a Do-Over?"
It works whether you're in the privacy of your own home or in line for a table at a crowded restaurant, because it's friendly and nonthreatening. Changing the phrase to "Let's have a do-over" makes it even more effective because it's nonnegotiable. You're both going to reenact a moment together, and they can't say no.
8. "That's a Great Idea."
Being a cheerleader for your child's big and small ideas will help him realize they can effectively solve their own problems.
(Parents)